In an admission that some would call shocking and others would claim as only logical, Tiger Woods laughingly disclosed to a room of breathless reporters today that he is, in fact, from a far-off planet where playing golf brilliantly is equivalent to falling off a log. After two weeks of miraculous shotmaking and uncanny scoring, punctuated with Tour victories number 69 and 70, Tiger stated that he simply could not contain the truth any longer.
"You shoulda seen the looks on all your faces," he said in between guffaws. "Like the time when I shot 18 under at the Masters...it was priceless. If it hadn't been for my father, whose real name was actually Jor-Earl, I am not sure if I could have kept my mouth shut."
When asked if others on his planet are as amazingly talented as he is, Tiger seemed shocked.
"Talented?! Man, I couldn't have even played Varsity golf on my planet. Those dudes can really go low. If you're not breaking par by 4 or 5 years old, you better find something else to do."
It was for this reason that his father decided to come to Earth.
"Dad would take take me back there on weekends to work on my swing, and when I returned to Earth that next week, I would be that much better than all of the Earthling children. It wasn't very fair, really, but everyone seemed to love that I was great, so we just kept it up."
The room of reporters would occasionally lapse into a mix of incredulous silence and thrilled shouting. Steve Williams sat next to Tiger, grinning knowingly throughout. When questioned about his awareness of Tiger's extra-terrestrial gifts, Stevie not only admitted that he was party to the ruse, but that he also travelled back to Tiger's world periodically.
"Oh, it's quite a place, mate," Stevie asserted in his familiar Kiwi articulation. "Tiger's world is nothing like Earth. We are all quite pathetic compared to their standards. They are remarkable golfers with high IQ's and hot wives. If it was not 17,000 light-years away, I would get a condo there."
Tiger then excused himself and gathered up what appeared to be a table top satellite dish. With no explanation, he began to turn knobs and flip switches, causing green and red LED lights on a large remote device to flash chaotically. A low hum resonated throughout the room as a visible wall of gamma waves washed over the crowd of slack jawed journalists.
"You'll excuse the mind ray," Tiger apologized, "but I can't have any of you actually repeating any of this. It would simply ruin Christmas at my house. Besides, the world, your world, loves the idea of Tiger Woods, so no point in spoiling their fun. You'll remember none of this in about 15 seconds anyway, and then you can get back to asking me about my knee."
And with that, the mesmerized crowd began to briefly shake, then slump, then stir back into general consciousness. Seemingly unaware of the astounding happenings of the previous 20 minutes, the reporters began to flip through their notes and raise their hands for open questioning. Jeff Rude was called on first, and began, "Tiger, about your knee...".
Somehow, I managed to slip out unnoticed, having ducked the powerful cosmic mindmeld that Tiger had inflicted upon the silly Earthling journalists. I was able to scramble to my car and quietly roll off into the night, forever carrying the greatest secret to ever touch golf. No matter what happens now, no matter how many times Tiger wins and by how many strokes, you and I will always know the true reason for his greatness: Tiger is from another planet.
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